Why Do Parents Alienate Children?

Parental alienation is a profoundly harmful dynamic in which one parent manipulates a child into rejecting or resisting a relationship with the other parent, often without legitimate justification. While the impact of alienation on children has been extensively studied, ranging from identity disturbance to depression and strained adult relationships, less attention is often given to the underlying motives of the alienating parent. What drives a parent to attempt to sever the bond between a child and the other parent?

Research across psychology, family law, and clinical practice reveals several key psychological, emotional, and personality-based factors that help explain why some parents engage in alienating behaviors.

1. Pathological Enmeshment and Boundary Issues

One of the most common psychological underpinnings of parental alienation is enmeshment, where the alienating parent becomes emotionally over-involved with the child. This dynamic, described in Minuchin's structural family theory, blurs the lines between parent and child identities. The parent may see the child as an extension of themselves and view any separate attachment, especially to the other parent, as a betrayal.

Alienating parents with dependent, borderline, or narcissistic traits may cling to the child for emotional regulation, which can lead to subtle or overt pressure to reject the other parent.

2. Unresolved Grief, Anger, and Revenge Motivations

Divorce or separation often triggers intense emotional responses. When a parent has not emotionally processed the loss of the relationship, they may weaponize the child to "punish" the other parent. In research by Dr. Amy Baker (2007), many adult children who were alienated noted that one parent seemed to use them as tools in a vendetta, rewarding loyalty and punishing affection toward the other parent.

This behavior is sometimes not fully conscious. The alienating parent may rationalize their actions as protecting the child while actually seeking emotional vindication.

3. Personality Traits and Disorders

Studies suggest that parents who alienate often show traits associated with:

• Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD): Need for control, lack of empathy, and tendency to devalue others.
• Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD): Fear of abandonment, emotional dysregulation, and "splitting" (viewing others as all good or all bad).
• Paranoid Personality Traits: Distrust and suspicion, often leading to exaggerated or false beliefs about the other parent’s intentions.

These traits contribute to distorted perceptions of the co-parent, over-reactivity to conflict, and projection of personal fears onto the child.

4. Projection and Defensive Identification

The psychological process of projection, where one ascribes one's own unacceptable thoughts or feelings onto someone else, is common in alienation. A parent who fears being rejected or who feels guilt over the separation may accuse the other parent of being harmful, disinterested, or abusive, often without evidence. Over time, they may begin to believe these accusations themselves, making it easier to influence the child.

This is closely tied to defensive identification, where the child begins to internalize the alienating parent's attitudes to maintain harmony with the more powerful or emotionally reactive parent.

5. Bernet’s Five-Factor Model of Parental Alienation

Dr. William Bernet and colleagues (2010) proposed a five-factor model to assess whether a child’s rejection of a parent is due to alienation rather than realistic estrangement. This model highlights:

1. The child had a prior healthy relationship with the rejected parent.
2. There is no evidence of abuse or neglect by the rejected parent.
3. The favored parent shows behaviors consistent with alienation (e.g., limiting contact, badmouthing).
4. The child exhibits specific behaviors (e.g., automatic support of favored parent).
5. The child’s rejection is disproportionate to any experience.

This model also helps clinicians recognize that alienation often stems not from one factor but from a confluence of cognitive distortions, personality pathology, and maladaptive coping strategies in the alienating parent.

6. Fear of Losing Control or Custody

Some alienating parents are driven by fears of losing custody, influence, or control. These parents may believe that if the child prefers or spends more time with the other parent, s/he becomes "less important" or irrelevant. The alienation becomes a misguided attempt to retain power and emotional control, especially in high-conflict custody disputes.

Final Thoughts

Parental alienation is not simply a matter of one parent being complex or bitter. It is often the result of more profound psychological disturbances, unresolved trauma, or distorted cognitive processes. Understanding these factors is crucial not only for intervening in alienation cases but also for supporting the child’s long-term emotional recovery.

If you or someone you know is involved in a high-conflict custody situation with signs of alienation, it’s important to seek help from trained professionals who specialize in reunification therapy and family systems work.

Sources:

• Baker, A. J. L. (2007). Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome: Breaking the Ties That Bind. W.W. Norton & Company.
• Bernet, W., Gregory, N., & Rohrbaugh, J. (2010). Parental Alienation, DSM-5, and ICD-11. The American Journal of Family Therapy.
• Minuchin, S. (1974). Families and Family Therapy. Harvard University Press.
• Steinberg, L. (2001). We Know Some Things: Parent–Adolescent Relationships in Retrospect and Prospect. Journal of Research on Adolescence.

Need Help?
At the Center for Psychological Health and Wellness, we offer compassionate, research-based support for families facing parental alienation and custody-related stress. Reach out today to learn how we can help restore and protect your child’s critical family bonds.